8.15.13.

So I bought this journal in hopes that writing out what I'm feeling will help me combat the immense amount of homesickness I'm feeling. Every morning I wake up and don't even want to get out of bed. I have to force myself to go walk in the park for exercise.

I feel lost. I'm so alone in a city where I technically have more friends than I did at home. We hang out with someone nearly every night and that's fun, but I would trade all of it immediately if I could just go home. I cry every day. I didn't think I could cry this much. And it's at the drop of a hat. Just one wrong thought and I'm a puddle.

I've saved every box that I can from the move. I plan to use them six months from now. I try to take it all one day at a time but all I can think of is Thanksgiving when I'll be halfway through my six months. Then at Christmas I'll be closer to coming home than I am to arriving here. It'll be all downhill from there.

I want an apartment in my home state. There's a city about an hour and a half from me that's perfect. That way I'll be close to home but in a city where I can enjoy life. I still want to travel, but not like this. I'm actually really happy that I didn't move to London after I graduated college. Then I would really be alone.

Mom and Dad plan on moving to the Carolina's in two years, but I doubt that they would if I was in state. And if they did, I think I would be alright. I know my state. I understand it. I don't understand this place and I don't want to. I've never wanted to go South so why did I come here? Because "this is where the work is." But I don't even think I want that work anymore. Someday not too far off, I want to get married and have a dog. That job wouldn't let me do that until I was probably 35.

I realize now that I don't want to wait that long. I"m tired of waiting for what I want. I seem to always be in the wrong place. I look around "my room" and see my things in this alien space. It's like a dream that's halfway nightmare.

I just want to get a part time job so I can save my money and leave in six months. At least with a job I would have something to do every day. I hate filling them with idle bullshit.

Am I really an instate girl? Am I a London girl? Am I anything? Right now I don't really feel like it. Right now I don't feel like much at all.